I try to keep laughing. I really do. But sometimes it’s hard. I have always had a melancholy streak in my nature, as did my late father.
Lately, it’s been worse. Sadness seems to overwhelm me at times. Is is sadness or anxiety? I am not quite sure. Maybe a bit of both.
I cry so easily lately, it doesn’t take much. Last night I kept crying in spite of my best efforts to contain it. The tears just kept spilling out, perplexing my poor husband and giving me a throbbing headache and stuffy nose.
I can’t stop fiddling with my hair. I’ve almost stopped biting my nails, so they actually look decent.
But the hair, longer now than it has been in years. is constantly being wound around my fingers.
I am always tired. Lack of refreshing sleep is a common symptom of FMS. It’s also a common symptom of depression. I no longer really know where the FMS sends and possible depression begins. Chronic pain and fatigue can bring on depression. And I’ve been dealing with the pain and all that accompanies it for, what, 17 or 18 years now?
The FMS has altered my brain chemistry, Not enough serotonin. And so the perception of pain intensifies. I take antidepressants to help boost the serotonin levels, but they seem to work better at some times than others. I have a low pain threshold, but high pain tolerance. Sometimes, it still overwhelms me. I am tired of being in pain, tired of being tired. Just–tired. My brain is constantly spinning but am I getting anywhere?
I am anxious about my future. No job, no health insurance. A novel I am struggling to complete. Questioning my abilities, my capabilities.