WARNING: This is not a cheerful, light and fluffy post. But it is an honest one about what we are experiencing and why I am struggling with writing this blog.
I need to write. For more reasons than one. I need to write to express myself, to entertain; to share with others knowledge, information, ideas. I need to write to try to work out what’s going on in my brain. To be perfectly honest, I need to write to make money. I am not a greedy, materialistic person. I’d just like to take some pressure off of us . . . so my husband doesn’t have to drive a ramshackle Jeep with a door that periodically decides not to close, to a workplace he basically despises.
Earlier tonight I wrote down my current state of mind and cried through almost the entire thing. Well, it was pretty depressing. Cathartic, too, but also emotionally exhausting.
And then I shared it with my husband because I wanted him to understand what is going on inside this head of mine right now. We talked. We cried together. I discovered he feels as depressed and frustrated as I do. He sees himself as letting me down by not taking proper care of me,
I feel discouraged by my ongoing health issues, extended unemployment, lack of insurance and fear of being a burden on him. It breaks my heart that he feels so worthless, that he thinks he has no real friends outside of me. I tried to tell him so many people like him, respect him, love for him as the good, kind, gentle man he is. People who don’t even know him outside of my participation in social media.
We’ve lost so much over the past decade: parents, friends, a nephew, pets, jobs. We both feel as if something has died inside of us, too. And there’s a sense of isolation, as if we don’t quite fit in.
It’s been a struggle financially and physically for us. The new business is growing, but we are channeling pretty much everything back into it for new equipment. I have sold some things, household items from the farmhouse and a few things of our own, and hope to sell some more. I was ridiculously happy to make a few dollars.
There are a lot of money worries. Truthfully, we both should be on antidepressants, but he has me taking the ones prescribed for him. Can’t afford them for myself anymore without any insurance. Sometimes we just laugh together because it keeps us from crying.
Tonight I ache in more ways than one. My back, hips, shoulder, knees, head hurt. My heart hurts. I just don’t know what I want to do.
I appreciate everyone’s support during the time I’ve posted here and no matter what ultimately happens, I always hope to retain your friendship. That, I still very much enjoy. Bless you.