Where do we go now . . .

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WARNING: This is not a cheerful, light and fluffy post. But it is an honest one about what we are experiencing and why I am struggling with writing this blog.

I need to write. For more reasons than one. I need to write to express myself, to entertain; to share with others knowledge, information, ideas. I need to write to try to work out what’s going on in my brain. To be perfectly honest,  I need to write to make money. I am not a greedy, materialistic person. I’d just like to take some pressure off of us . . . so my husband doesn’t have to drive a ramshackle Jeep with a door that periodically decides not to close, to a workplace he basically despises.

Earlier tonight I wrote down my current state of mind and cried through almost the entire thing. Well, it was pretty depressing.  Cathartic, too, but also emotionally exhausting.

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And then I shared it with my husband because I wanted him to understand what is going on inside this head of mine right now. We talked. We cried together. I discovered he feels as depressed and frustrated as I do. He sees himself as letting me down by not taking proper care of me,

I feel discouraged by my ongoing health issues, extended unemployment, lack of insurance and fear of being a burden on him.  It breaks my heart that he feels so worthless, that he thinks he has no real friends outside of me. I tried to tell him so many people like him, respect him, love for him as the good, kind, gentle man he is. People who don’t even know him outside of my participation in social media.

We’ve lost so much over the past decade: parents, friends, a nephew, pets, jobs. We both feel as if something has died inside of us, too.  And there’s a sense of isolation, as if we don’t quite fit in.

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It’s been a struggle financially and physically for us.  The new business is growing, but we are channeling pretty much everything back into it for new equipment. I have sold some things, household items from the farmhouse and a few things of our own, and hope to sell some more. I was ridiculously happy to make a few dollars.

There are a lot of money worries. Truthfully, we both should be on antidepressants, but he has me taking the ones prescribed for him. Can’t afford them for myself anymore without any insurance.  Sometimes we just laugh together because it keeps us from crying. 8388ee5f4ff663dd2b14fcdf76cce85f

Tonight I ache in more ways than one. My back, hips, shoulder, knees, head hurt. My heart hurts. I just don’t know what I want to do.

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I appreciate everyone’s support during the time I’ve posted here and no matter what ultimately happens,  I always hope to retain your friendship. That, I still very much enjoy. Bless you.

About fedoralady

I'm an LA native--Lower Alabama, that is. My husband of more than 30 years and I live here on a portion of my family's former farm with two gorgeous calicos and a handsome GSD mix. My background is art education, and over the years I've been a teacher, department store photographer, sales associate and a journalist. My husband, his business partner and I have Pecan Ridge Productions, a video production company, for which I shoot & edit video and stills and manage marketing. I also still write part-time for the local paper. I love movies, music, art, photography and books, and my tastes in all of them are eclectic.

67 responses »

  1. My dear friend. What a dreadful load you are carrying at the moment. In fact you both are. It just breaks my heart to read what you are going through. I have no idea how I would manage if we didn’t have the health system we enjoy here in Canada. Yes, we do have to pay medical insurance but it is nothing like what you are faced with where you live. I can still go to the doctor any time I want and get the medications I need – at least for now. I am further blessed by having an Extended Medical plan even though I am now retired. I hope I never take this for granted. Even in Canada this isn’t always the case as some things are not covered by medicare, yet I still feel very blessed to live where I do. Sadly, I’m unable to help you financially, but I do pray and I believe in the power of it, so be assured you and that dear man of yours will be in mine. I only wish I could do more.

    • Thank you, dearest Teuchter, I do appreciate your prayers and you kindness so very much. Yes, if you do have good medical coverage it’s truly a blessing for which to be thankful. I am glad you do! *hugs*

  2. “I’m so tired my tired is tired”? Yeah, I know that feeling. I also know many of the other feelings you described. Money may not buy happiness, but not having it when you need it certainly doesn’t help happiness to flourish.

    *hug*

  3. I often think of you Angie and even I don’t know you in real life, you are for me a beautiful person inside and outside like a certain gentleman we both know. Please take care of yourself because we admire and love you ! *Big hugs to you and Benny*

  4. Angie, I feel as though I haven’t known you long enough or well enough to say something truly meaningful, but I will say that your’s was the first RA blog I discovered, and I have always loved your positive, cheerful attitude. If you’ve been feeling this coming for a while, then you’ve done an amazing job of keeping it all together and remaining upbeat until now.

    You deserve your moment of brutal honesty so you can sort out your priorities and decide what needs to be done. It seems to me that your RA ‘fangirling’ is an important part of what makes you happy and connected ( cut back on blogging days,perhaps?), but ultimately you must decide what feels right.
    Is your journalism job still going ahead? Will that satisfy your writing needs?
    I wish you nothing but the best, Angie. Take care.

    • Oh, Katherine, thank you. Yes, it’s been building, a little every day, but somehow it just felt as if it completely overwhelmed me–as if I smacked into a brick wall. The FMS does that to me physically from time to time–and so, I suppose, does my psyche.

      I am writing for the paper on a limited basis–two to four pieces a month–and I’ve started the new blog, which will be another creative outlet for me.

  5. Money can’t buy happiness but it certainly wouldn’t do any harm right now. It’s shocking that as people who have worked hard and contributed all your lives, you should be so badly let down by your country now. No one should be denied medicine and good health care, (and i am sorry to be criticising another person’s nation but ) your Government should be ashamed of itself.

    I think everyone reading this post will be touched by what you have written. It took courage to go to a place we don’t talk about – our feelings of isolation, failure and anxiety. After 15 years in Sydney i still have days when i feel i just don’t fit in – that if it wasn’t for my lovely partner, there would be no one who really understands me. Even my children were raised in a different culture to mine. I’ve looked at your posts about your home with such envy – thinking how wonderful it would feel to live on the same patch of land your grand parents did – to know people all your life and to be so grounded to a place. So to read that you also feel isolated and out of place… it was an eye opener. I don’t wish that on you, my friend, but i thank you for your honesty and for making me realise that we all feel like strangers at times.

    • I will never be someone “all about money” but it definitely helps to have enough to keep you from constantly stressing out. 😉
      I guess there’s a part of me that has never felt as if I quite fit in with everyone else. And I am not sure if it’s because I lived away for a decade or that I do have so many friends from around the world, but my mindset still seems different from many people around me.

      Mind you, I love it here, there are many wonderful things about this part of the world. I am so grateful I was given both roots and wings by my parents, I really am. Still, I do experience those feelings of isolation and being “a square peg trying to fit into a round hole” at times. Maybe I always will to some extent.

  6. FedoraLady, I am sorry that everything seems to be hitting you at once. I’m living in a loveless marriage because we can’t afford to divorce nor can we sell our house – it’s an everyday, omnipresent thing, an 800-lb gorilla is there no matter where you turn. I am sending you love big enough for the three of us, ok? Hang in there, Lady!

  7. Oh, Angie, I feel for you, I really do. If there is ever anything I can do to help, please, please let me know. You are a dear friend, not simply the motive force behind my favourite blog. I keep hoping, wishing, and praying for the best for you. I know that it is times like these that drive you to tears, to screaming in the shower, to that yelping need for a little bit of fairness in life and for the feeling that you are not in this alone. I care, rather more than somewhat, and while you may not fit in with some people in your community, you fit in with a bunch of international AAAs with good hearts who believe in kindness first — not too shabby a community, methinks. Sending all the affection, hugs, solace, comfort, and reassurance I can cram into a blog comment!

  8. Angie – so sorry to read about your current crisis. I often think that money is the root of all evil. The daily struggle to literally earn the bread we need is just incredibly tiring (and I know what I am talking of, had a similar crisis last night). Letting the despair and frustration out is part of dealing with the crisis, I suppose, and I am sure you are going to feel better for it.
    I wish I had some proper advice for you. You are incredibly gifted with words – could you earn money by writing from home? (Well, you’ve probably looked into that already…) Check out http://scripted.com/ – a website where freelance writers can register for free and pick up work. You are well-versed with Social Media – have you thought about offering a SM-service for small, local businesses who might like to advertise online in SM but don’t know how to do it? Those are services that can be done from home, might be worth-while thinking of…
    Hugs!

    • It really is a tiring exercise. You’ve got to have a certain amount of to live decently. I’m not taking about luxuriously, just keeping up with a mortgage and utilities and food and gas and car repairs . . . and have something left over in case of emergencies.

      Thank you for the ideas, too, definitely things to look into and to consider. *hugs* Guylty.

  9. I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing such a down period. 😦 It’s also pretty ironic because your blog has lifted me when I’ve been down, lonely and depressed.
    Your blog is also the first blog that I ever read or commented on. It’s been one of my daily visits for that last year and a half. I wish I could come and help you! I’m experiencing some money worries myself. It’s no fun at all. As I said on FB, I’m sending prayers for you and Benny. God Bless.

  10. Angie,

    You and Benny are such a blessing to so many of us. You have walked with me through some pretty dark days of my own over the past several years. What kind of a friend would I be to not listen on your dark days? Nothing I can say will alleviate your financial concerns or lessen your pain and worries. Just know that you are loved. I pray for you daily and thank the good Lord for bringing you into my life. I am grateful to you for your friendship, support and love of the years. A few words have helped me on really bad days:

    I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillippians 4:13

    And – my personal favorite – taken out of context but so helpful none-the-less

    And it came to pass… (meaning not to stay)

    Consider yourself hugged! Vent any time – a burden shared is a burden lessened! We creative types must use our gifts to vent our emotions! Me? I tend to play Beethoven’s Sonata Pathetique REALLY loud some days or weep while Debussy slides from my fingertips.

    It seems you are always here for all of us – remember that WE are here for you as well!

    Love ya’
    Becks

    • Thank you so much, Becks, this means a lot. Maybe I should go and dust off the piano keys and start banging away to release my frustrations . . . I often say to myself, “This too shall pass.” And I need to remember that . . .

  11. Angie, I’m so sorry to hear you’re so low. It just goes to show, doesn’t it, you never know other people’s problems… you don’t really know me at all as I’m more of a lurker than anything else but I’ve always envied what you have – a loving husband that you love, a super collection of lovely furries to cuddle, great scenery and a natural, out-doorsy sort of life… So what do I know.

    Like one of your other comments above I am so furious that a country as great as the USA lets people suffer for want of healthcare coverage – I’m in the UK (one of your politicians said he felt sorry for us because our terrible NHS had broken the country – BS of the highest order).

    I just can’t imagine now being able to take antidepressants if I needed them (and I certainly have in the past) – good grief, it’s not even as if they are expensive!!!!!

    Seriously, if a loan would help you short term email me. If you don’t have access to my email (I really don’t understand how it works when you leave a comment on a blog) let me know.

    Helen x

    • And it has to be said, Helen, I have much for which to be thankful. My husband and my sisters, our pets, peaceful surroundings, a roof over my head and a bed to (sometimes) sleep in, lots of good books, a connection with wonderful like-minded people all over the world–life could certainly be worse. When the depression overwhelms me it’s so hard to see beyond all that isn’t so good.

      Thank you so much for your kindness and your generous offer.

  12. I don’t really have words to express what I felt reading this post, Angie. But know that your friends (even us cyber folks) care about you so much. You and Benny are in my thoughts and prayers. Big Hugs.

  13. Dear Angie, I am so sorry to read about your problems. I hope you and your hubby stay strong and find a way to cope with all that stuff that’s going on in your life.
    Take care!!!

  14. I feel you. I know the sorrow and distress of not knowing what to do to solve your problems, and being to tired of trying. The nicest thing is that despite all your husband and you continue supporting each other, that it’s a great example for us all.
    Even it’s hard to believe, money isn’t everything, someday the things will change.
    All my love from the distance.

  15. So sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. I can understand some of what you’re going through especially money worries and the need to be working, but things like this make me count my blessings every day that I live in the UK and have free healthcare. Like so many others here I truly wish there was something I could do but all I can do is send much love. Know that you are in my thoughts xxx

  16. Dearest Angie, I hardly know where to start–except to say that we are all here for you, I believe, in anything we can do. I have been going through something similar myself over the last few months and also cannot afford to obtain my meds at the moment–I am currently waiting for my Medicaid to kick in so that I can get them. Since you are unemployed, you should check with your local social services agency to see if there are services available to you for healthcare. It isn’t a fun road to have to use, but if you can take advantage of it, you definitely should.

    That said–please, please hang in there. Do what makes you happy, anything that will raise your spirits, even if only for a little while. If there are certain things that you really enjoy (with me, it’s reading, my craftwork, and art–even just looking at it, which the Internet is a great place for). But know that we are there for you as you have been for us. Granted, I have not been a follower of yours for that long, but I’ve felt that we are friends almost from the very first, and I hope you know that while my resources are limited, I would be quite happy to do anything I could to help you (and Benny) through this dreadful down time. Even though it may not seem like it now, it will get better–you’ve already made great strides by establishing Pecan Ridge Productions, which is growing and the idea that someone else put forward about taking on computer work for other small business owners.in your local area might really be something to look into. There are answers–sometimes, they just aren’t readily apparent. But they will come–Archangel Michael is the Angel of Protection and all you need to do is ask for his help. It doesn’t cost anything and sometimes even that spiritual lift will help you feel better.

  17. I know exactly how you feel. I’m in the same place, except, I have insurance For the past 3.5 years, I’ve been unemployed, lost a very dear friend and two of my pups. For the last two months, I pretty much stay in bed and some days I don;t even wash my face or brush my teeth. I was addicted to rx pain meds but once found out, was dropped by all my drs, except for the VA, I am a Navy Veteran and they are in the proccess of saving my life but it doesn’t begin until September 11, I just realized the date. So many lost their lives and I will begin to be rescued on that day. My tired is tired. Also after driving for 36 years, I let my license expire and the transmission in my car blew up. I have only left my house about 40 times in the past 3.5 years. My husband is my best friend and I thank God for him every day. We’ve been together for 27 years and married for 25, have one daughter 23, who just moved back in, we’re fine with that. Money, HAHAHAHAHA, what money? My husband works as much as he can and although we make it, it’s a pay check to pay check exsistance. I was making more money than him, so the guilt is overwhelming sometimes. I hate to say this but once I read your blog today, I don’t feel alone, now, not so much. So thank you for your “not cheerful” post. You and I are blessed, because we have partners who care deeply for and about us and still love us, unconditionally. You’re in Alabama and I’m in Virginia but I’m not alone, thanks. Also after going through my entire life (57) without being and admirer of any actor, I’m crazy about RA. Respectful but if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t smile some days. Life does get better, check with your county, state. mental health charities, maybe there is help out there for you.

    • Sonia, *hugs* It is wonderful to have someone who is understanding and hangs in there with us. Don’t know what I’d do without my Benny, frankly. It did take some intestinal fortitude for me to hit the publish button on this post, but I decided honesty was, in fact, the best policy. And if it helped just one person–and apparently. it did :D–then it was certainly worth it.

  18. Thank you so much for this blog… it takes my mind off of things… you have no idea how much that helps me… so… THANK YOU!!! everything will be ok sonn… 😉

  19. Angie, a lot of the drug companies have drug assistance programs. If social services can’t help you, please contact the manufacturer of the drugs that you and your husband need and see whether they will help you pay for your meds. I know first hand how difficult it is to function when every day makes Sisyphus and his rock seem like a day at the beach. There are a lot of people here who love you (even those of us who lurk instead of joining in). If you don’t have the energy to do the research yourself, which would be perfectly understandable, please comment or send Stephanie or me and e-mail and I will do it for you.

  20. Ladies, you are amazing – not that that should surprise me of course. Not being American I have no knowledge of some of the things you are able to suggest to Angie what she might do and where help might be available. Richard himself sets an amazing example when it comes to help fund those charities on his “Just Giving” page but you, dear friends, have stepped up to the plate with practical suggestions and your own offers of help. I am *so* proud to be part of such a caring group of people who show their “willing hearts” in so many ways. God bless you all.

    • I wanted to say THANK YOU all so much for your comments and your offline emails and messages, whether to offer me hugs and consoling words or to give me practical advice. All much appreciated and it gives me good food for thought. I admit I indulged in my favorite edible guilty pleasure tonight, Blue Bell Moo-llenium Crunch ice cream. Well, Benny brought some home, and it would have been impolite not to partake of it, right? Haven’t had ice cream in ages, so it was particularly delicious (vanilla with chocolate and caramel chunks, almonds, pecans and walnuts. To die for). Still sort of out of it today, haven’t done a lot except tend to puppies and watch some TV. Benny went to bed earlier than usual. He looked so tired, my poor sweetheart. I was outside playing with the dogs some today and really flared up my allergies. Same ol’ same ol’. The puppies truly do boost our spirits, though. They are so cute and funny and sweet. Maybe they came into our lives for a specific reason . . . Now if I can just find homes for three of the four (I am thinking Missy will be our keeper). Anyway, thanks again, and I will try to respond to individual comments/emails tomorrow. *hugs*

  21. I was so saddened to read your post and sad for the pain that was so evident in your words. My heart and my prayers are with you, your husband and your family. I hope that you have much better times ahead, and that those better times are soon with you. With love, Laura xx

      • Hoping things are improving for you! I live in the north west of england, so while I’m not near you in practical terms, please feel free to talk (in total confidence) whenever you want to. I’m a good and caring listener and would like to reach out to you. I’m here if you want mexx

  22. Dear Angie,
    I feel very much for you at this stage; you and Benny have hung in so valiantly and strongly for a long time. As one who has “cyber-friends” with you for nearly four years, I profoundly wish for better times for you both.

    The abyss in the health care system is utterly horrifying. As with the UK, our federally-mandated, provincially implemented system is creaking. There is an immense shortage of family doctors (I haven’t had one for some years) – but there are clinics. Though contributions to health care rise.

    I simply hope for much better in L.Al. and much better for you two.

    Keep writing! Feel free to write your true thoughts; you have been inspiring and we empathise and many are in a similar place – and feel less alone, thanks to you.

    affectionately,
    fitzg

    • Thank you so much, Fitzg. Yes, health care is a real problem here. We need an overhaul, although I fear Obamacare is not the overhaul we do need. *sigh*

      I appreciate you all being understanding of me expressing some of my angst and fears. *hugs*

  23. Dear Angie ❤
    Sometimes just one day can change everything. Please hang in there and take care about yoursef and your wonderful Benny :*
    PS: May I bother you with an e-mail?

  24. Dear Angie, what am I to say? I’m so sad about your momentary personal circumstances, You had been the cheering up lady for so many years and you sure helped a lot of fellow RA fans through their tough times. I wish you could somehow participate in something like the health system we are having here in Germany. I know this is a ridiculous idea, but reading your lines left me a bit desperate about how one can help the two of you. By all means I’m sending you my deepest sympathy and hope for some luck and a speedy improvement at least in some concerns (and then the others will hopefully follow!). You are in my thoughts and I will have a watchful eye and ear if something will be brought to my attention.((Big hugs))
    (Btw still looking forward to hear and read more adventures of your highwayman…) 😀

    • Thanks, dear Linda. I really do appreciate your concern. Maybe one day I will get my highwayman’s adventures finished. I am afraid it all went on the back burner in recent months.

  25. I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer. I wish I could express to you in words how I feel about your blog, you and the laughs we have shared since I “met” you in January. I wish I had money to give. I wish so many things for you my friend. All I can say is that I am thinking about you and Benny, praying for you and sending you much love and hugs.

  26. Angie my thoughts and prayers are with the both of you at this time. What every you do, to write here or not I will think you. I have not read the comments as I don’t have time right now, but know you are loved in our little community.

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