Is there something wrong with me? Confessions of a bewildered (and tired) blogger.

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The answer to the question I pose in my title is “yes,” because, like it or not, I am fighting a daily battle with FMS/CFS coupled with osteoarthritis and possibly some other medical issues.  I haven’t had any feeling to speak of in two toes on my left foot for a few days now. Who knows why . . .

But what’s been niggling at me this week, more than my numb tootsies, is the fact I don’t feel excited. I mean, about all the new RA stuff. I didn’t feel that visceral punch from looking at the “Woof” and “Meow” pics. I haven’t yet watched the new DoS trailer (I know, I know, heresy for an RA blogger) or the video with RA. I’ve been busy–mentally and physically–and I face a lot over the next few months, work-wise, interest-wise, life-wise.32623_480715122018231_1909987865_n

In spite of my excess adipose tissue, I look pretty much OK. Looks, of course, can be deceiving. I had to take a long nap this afternoon . . . I’ve reached the point where I really do miss those naps if I don’t get them. I’d rather take a nap than look at RA, how sad is that?! But that’s the way things are right now.

I’ve come to a crossroads in my life and I have to make some decisions and they aren’t easy for me to make. I wonder what people will think of me, as if I should care.  I feel like a bit of a failure, and yet I know I didn’t ask for the condition that is pushing me into this corner. I can accept things intellectually, but on an emotional plane I am struggling.

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I am sure this current mood will change. At least, I hope it will.  Maybe if the calls I make over the next couple of days help me along on my personal journey . . . fingers crossed.

There are things I do look forward to. Saturday night we have to meet with my friend, the delightful English/Drama teacher and director Naomi to discuss the bar mitzvah we are covering for her son next weekend in Tuscaloosa (this will be a first for us in several ways!) . Hoping to go and see “Gravity” at the theater beforehand this weekend and catch the DoS trailer on the big screen. Big screen RA as the majestic Thorin will surely make a difference.

In the meantime, I have a lot of PRP video editing to do, among other things.  I look at the weeks to come. There’s continued rehearsals for “Dying for a Drink,” our first Arts Council production to attend in just over a week, a highly-anticipated weekend away in Tuscaloosa and a new cultural experience next weekend, humane society events to publicize, possibly more pix to take for rescues, the opening of the town’s art gallery later this month. My plate is full.

I just hope and pray I have what it takes to keep up with it all and enjoy it, because I don’t want to be the person outside looking in anymore, feeling disconnected from my own community.

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I just have to keep reminding myself of this.

About fedoralady

I'm an LA native--Lower Alabama, that is. My husband of more than 30 years and I live here on a portion of my family's former farm with two gorgeous calicos and a handsome GSD mix. My background is art education, and over the years I've been a teacher, department store photographer, sales associate and a journalist. My husband, his business partner and I have Pecan Ridge Productions, a video production company, for which I shoot & edit video and stills and manage marketing. I also still write part-time for the local paper. I love movies, music, art, photography and books, and my tastes in all of them are eclectic.

116 responses »

  1. Hey, a bar mitzvah!! Fun party! Crazy dancing of the hora! Hava nagila v’nismicha!

    Seriously, however, you know what the professionals say about the meaning of no longer taking joy in previous pleasures, and I won’t patronize you by repeating it. The general mood in the country at the moment is gloomy, and only you know how to deal with your own life. I’m glad you have your new kitty, and lots of challenges to keep you getting out of bed every day. I’m only sad that you can’t use Armitage therapy and all the exciting new pictures that are coming out or about to come out as a mood enhancer. But if that’s how it is, that’s how it is — fandom without obligation. We may be friends via Armitage, but we’re not cutting off the friendship just because you’re not feeling it at the moment.

    Praying ahrd for you an sending you a big hug.

    • Have never been to a bar mitzvah before so we are both quite excited about this new experience. 😀 Naomi is such a dear –like the little Jewish cousin I never knew I had ;)–and I hope we can do a good job for them. Laun is a great kid.

      I am hoping this is just a phase re RA–things do wax and wane, as does the &@#!#@$# FMS. It’s been worse of late because I am trying to be more involved and that puts more demands on me. But I am doing things I WANT to do, I should stress. I love being part of the community theatre, for example. And I have so much fun with Scarlett Kitty. She would win over Mr. A I am certain.

      But facing applying for disability *I shudder even saying the word* is troubling me. Yet most everyone I know (whose opinions I care about, anyway) agree I am as worthy of it as most anyone else. I was struggling before I lost my job, to be honest, and wondering how much longer I could pull off working full-time. I have one or two active days, and then, as today, I am down for the count. Hard to hold down a regular job with that as my reality. If I knew I could bring in some type of regular income, it would take some of the stress and load off my shoulders.

      Thank you for the prayers and hugs because frankly I really need them both right now. Love you!!

      • Well, and: you learned a lot of skills because of Armitagemania and developed others that you’d had for a long time — there may be a point where it’s right to take it out into the world and use it for something valuable. I think Armitage blogging is valuable to me and others but if I ever felt that it weren’t, or I wasn’t enjoying it, I don’t know what could possibly justify it in the face of so many other pressing choices.

        If you’re disabled, you are worthy of disability support. Period. Brutally speaking — you might as well start applying now because most everyone I know who’s gotten it has gotten turned turned down at least once. So get started, setting yourself up for your second try, lol.

        Cheering you on.

        • Yes, I have developed a lot of computer-related skills in video editing, blogging, graphics that I didn’t have before Armitagemania arrived in my life, along with fiction writing. Definitely has enhanced and improved my life. And I have made some wonderful friends like you I certainly don’t want to lose . . . maybe if there were more RA fans around here other than me, it would help. The only one I know of in Alabama and I aren’t on great terms right now.

          Re the blog, sometimes I worry that I have said everything I wanted to say re RA. Feel like I am re-hashing stuff, same ol’ same ol.’ I don’t like it when it feels like a “chore,” which is why I have cut back so much. And having a harder and harder time keeping up with all the blogs and sites and forums along with volunteer work and chores, etc.–well, I don’t honestly even try anymore. I don’t know how caught up I am going to be with the DoS hoopla this year because my RL schedule is going to be a lot busier. I may even dress up as a Victorian lady and go caroling with some of my mates! 😀

          Yes, I have heard all the stories about getting turned down the first time for SS disability, so I figure I might as well give Samantha Sellers a call and get her to start the wheels rolling (a local attorney who has experience dealing with this type of case). I have been battling this condition since the mid-90s and worked most of those years, except for moving/transition time and being laid off. The accident two years ago didn’t do me any favors, either. :-/

  2. You are most worthy, dear Angie–if you forget that, just let us know and we will be more than happy to remind you. That’s one of my favorite definitions of a friend–those who can sing your song back to you when you’ve forgotten the words and the tune. I’m sure our dear Richard would totally agree.

      • Believe me, I understand how you’re feeling–I think the only reason my fibro did not become more severe sooner than it did was that I had people I had to look out for (my mother and then my brother) and kept telling myself there was no one else to do it (and there wasn’t). I sometimes think I am paying now for all the years I pushed myself beyond limits of what I should have and as much as I rail at being out of work, there are far too many mornings that I go to get out of bed now and find myself almost grateful that I don’t have to be anywhere else. I know I still tend to push myself at times (my housemate is constantly reminding me to give myself a break), but having this cold/flu/ whatever it is at the moment has reminded me yet again that our bodies can only be shoved so far before they shove back. FMS is its own brand of curse. Give yourself credit for all the things you do (and extremely well, I might add) and try to give yourself a break on the days when it all seems to get beyond you. It is still difficult for me and I battle with it every day–be kind to yourself, dear. No one deserves it more.

  3. I know I haven’t said much on many of the blogs, but I want you to now that I have survived FMS since 1995. I was taking care of my elderly mother, trying to be the perfect daughter, wife, mom, and teacher. It didn’t take long for the stress to get me. It is a daily struggle. I was able to continue my teaching career until I could retire but it was a challenge. The first year is the worst. I think after that, I was able to figure out what I could and couldn’t do. It helps to have family and friends who understand that this invisible disease is real. Some doctors are not very supportive either. Know that there is a community out there of people who are surviving…some days better than others. Do know that if you have to stop working, you won’t be the first. It presents itself in many different ways and severities. Do whatever it takes to reduce your stress. Take care of yourself, buy a good heating pad, wear good shoes and socks to protect your feet, and try not to scream when people hug you! If you need to talk, I’m assuming you have my email. Most of all, know that this is not your fault. Try to function somewhere between denial and motivation. Exercise even when you can hardly walk. Take lots of naps! Ask for help! Most of all…hang in there!

    • Thanks, Ms Mel, you and I have been dealing with it roughly the same amount of time. I taught for a few years after being diagnosed but it all became too much for me. I took some time off and then started working part-time for a newspaper and then full-time. I loved the work but it could entail long hours and exhausting events to cover–much more than just sitting at a computer.

      I was laid off my job as a newspaper reporter just over two years ago due to the economy and haven’t worked since, nor have I had insurance, so this has put additional stress and strain on me and my husband. He works as a finance manager for a car dealership and things have been very slow for a long time now, which impacts his income. We’ve both battled bouts of depression.

      I had a car accident two months after being laid off and never went to the hospital or to a doctor even though I am convinced I likely broke or fractured my tailbone. I just gritted my teeth and suffered until it began to heal because I couldn’t bear to think of us being saddled with huge medical bills. Thank goodness my husband is emotionally supportive, as I really don’t know how I would cope. I do know the FMS has gotten worse–it seems each accident or surgery or injury I sustain leaves behind painful reminders exacerbating the FMS. I try hard to maintain a positive attitude, I volunteer with the local humane society, I am involved in community theater, I assist with the video production company–I do what I can. But I still feel like something of a failure at times, even though I know I didn’t bring this on myself. Again, thank you for your support. A gentle hug sent your way. 😀

      • My heart goes out to you. It does help to have a supportive partner. My husband is amazing. You provide so much joy through your blog. Never think of yourself as less of a person. I know sometimes I feel like I don’t remember how my life used to be, but I am grateful when I see friends who struggle with much more than what I’m dealing with now. Take care and now you are in my thoughts!

    • LOL! I want to do that all the time to some of the signs posted on FB. There will be some with great sayings or quotes and lovely visuals, but–they are misspelled! It bugs me.

  4. Big hugs from me too Angie. Re your blogging, don’t forget two things. If it isn’t fun for you (even if temporarily) then you shouldn’t do it. But I hope you do, because the second thing is that we haven’t all been reading you right from the start, so we haven’t necessarily read all your earlier thoughts – even if you think you are repeating yourself we will still appreciate your posts!

  5. Chronic pain is a terrible thing- it sucks the joy out of everything, no matter how positive you try to be. I think you do an incredible amount by anyone’s standards so give yourself a ( gentle) pat on the back for everything you *do* achieve rather than focussing on what you can’t. Easier said than done, I know.

    I haven’t seen the trailer either, so you aren’t alone in that!

  6. Hello. It’s me. You know every word I am going to say to you, so I am not going to say it. Just do as I say or I will be after your butt. Do not worry about the trailer. It is very disappointing. xoxoxoxox
    The FGM

  7. Sis, I’m sure you are aware that you’ll have Medicare coverage if you’re successful in getting approved for disability benefits. Pleaee don’t let others’ opinions dissaude you in this regard. I know that some people judged me harshly for taking early retirement/disability, but, frankly, I don’t care. I did what I thought was best for me and have no regrets. I worked almost 20 years for those benefits. Meanwhile. the offer/suggestions I made in the email I sent still stand. I think having access to medical care/treatment could make a world of difference.

  8. Hello Fedoralady: I have been getting your emails since last January. I have been a fan of RA since I saw him in North & South last year and developed sort of an addiction to find out the truth about him. I love many British actors and follow them on IMBD. I have seen all the boards and blogs on Richard including Tumblr (Armipace, RichLee), IMBD, etc. I have not been able to understand why he hasn’t gotten great roles in films unless Hollywood knows more about him than we do? After reading this article on your blog (sorry, I don’t know what they are called) my question to you is do you think that with the jeans with knee pads (hello??) and the interviews in London he is attempting to come out? The sharing of clothes and jewelry with Lee Pace on Tumblr and Data Lounge is really creepy. He stated in one interview he was going to settle down this year-maybe he already has, but then again he says many things in interviews that haven’t come to pass. Anyway, I really enjoy your blog. I love animals and live in the US South US. I am a Christian woman in my 50’s who is just soul searching for an understanding about gay actors, unfortunately because we are forced to deal with it these days. I call it my Richard Armitage/Thomas Tryon and the Glory Guys search. (Tryon was an actor in the 70’s who was one of my first crushes in the film The Glory Guys who walked away from a pretty good acting career to live life as a gay man) He went on to write some really good novels, one of which is still a favorite of mine but unfortunately died of aids as did his partner (although most articles say stomach cancer) I just need to ask someone who has followed RA’s career? I have not been able to watch the DoS trailer because of the Lee Pace thing. But I am hoping to work through this and just try to enjoy his performance as Thorin, but we’ll see. I’ll probably regret sending this to you in about five minutes but I just have to ask someone. Just delete if you think I am a nut case. Have a really great day. charris9876@hotmail.com

    Date: Thu, 3 Oct 2013 02:59:01 +0000 To: charris9876@hotmail.c

    • Carolyn, all I can say is, regarding Richard’s sexuality, is this: “I have no idea.” There are a lot of people, most of them fairly new to the fandom, I believe, and many of them on Tumblr, who have this fantasy of Richard and Lee being a couple. And they seem to grasp at any little straw that gives them a reason to believe it so. But right now ALLl we have is supposition and innuendo and a lot of fantasizing by some fans of the two men.

      I am a Christian, too, and in my 50s, and I had a conservative Baptist upbringing, but I have reached the conclusion that contrary to what many people in my neck of the woods believe, you don’t “decide” to be gay or straight. Just as I didn’t decide to be left-handed, I was simply born that way. I can’t in my heart demonize someone for falling in love with someone of the same sex.

      I will continue to respect and admire RA as an actor and as a human being no matter what revelations may or may not come regarding his personal life (and he is a very private man). It’s not as if I ever planned to leave my dear husband and run away with RA!! I want him to be happy and fulfilled in his intimate relationships. Period.

      In terms of Richard’s sexuality, whatever it may be, I don’t think that is the reason he hasn’t become a superstar yet. He got off to a later start with his acting career, he’s admitted auditions were difficult for him earlier on, he didn’t fit the cookie cutter mold in looks some casting directors were looking for, and so forth. There are very talented, attractive people out there who never climb up the ladder as far as he already has. And I believe many good things are still to come for Richard in his chosen profession.

      • Yikes! Do you think we were separated at birth? ;). My background is so similar to yours…as is our belief system. As for taking care of yourself, remember, as has already been noted, you worked for that benefit. If you need it, take it! Women are so hard on themselves and need to give themselves a break. That is especially true of women with FMS!

      • Well said, Angie–I think this is what all of us who care about Richard feel and hope for his future. I think he has many, many wonderful opportunities coming his way and as we all already know, the Hollywood standard these days is far from the best judge of talent or anything else (can we say “The Lone Ranger”?) Plus, he’s a wonderful human being. Nuff said.

              • I have to chuckle over the Lone Ranger comments, as the director of our community theater was advised to see it by my director. He loved it; Mollie hated it and says she is not sure she will trust his advice again (he is an avid movie-goer). 😉 I would like to see Johnny returns to some more–how do I put it?–“normal” roles. It’s as if he’s fallen into the rut of always playing some outlandish, eccentric character and he’s really too good of an actor to box himself in like that. Just my two cents’ worth.

              • I didn’t actually see it–almost all of the reviews I read were so incredibly bad that I just didn’t go. However, I do have a few friends who saw it, and they all said it was awful. I still think he looked more like Atahualpa that Tonto.

              • I haven’t seen it either–the previews didn’t make it look like something I would want to see, the and reviews didn’t give me any hope I was wrong. 😉

              • He had a weird Indian outfit on? LOL — He is a weird Indian outfit–I have to agree with Angie–once you get around his odd choice of roles lately–he’s still a favorite of mine.

    • I agree with everything FL says, but I’d add, whatever your opinions about anyone’s sexuality, you really need to keep in mind that Datalounge and Tumblr are not reliable sources of information on this question (or almost any other). Almost all apparel these days is mass manufactured, and the stylists advise people to wear things that are in style. The guy I went out with a week ago is also wearing stylish denim shirts; I could paste a picture of him next to Richard Armitage, but that wouldn’t mean they were having an affair! Hopeful fans pasting pictures of two men of similar height and build wearing the same pieces of stylish clothing are not evidence that they are “sharing” it; provocative statements by anonymous posters in a forum that bears strong similarities to an open sewer are much better evidence of the anonymous posters’ needs and desires than evidence of something that is actually happening.

      • I was sitting here sifting through the comments about RA and nodding my head sagely as I have tendency to do. Then I thought to myself, “If I see a blouse in a catalog that I decide to buy and it’s modelled by a woman…does that mean I only like women?….That makes about as much sense as some of the stuff they write on Tumblr and Datalounge…what about teams….if they all wear the same uniform does that mean they only like males? Gandalf wears a dress, do that mean Ian McKellen is gay? Well, that’s probably not a good example….LOL

      • My email took its own good time getting into the box today/tonight. *sigh* Yes, yes, yes–as Serv says, you HAVE to consider the source on anything and everything you see on the internet, especially on certain sites. I would NOT ever in a million years take what you see and read on places like Tumblr and Datalounge as some kind of gospel truth or anything close to it. And I love this, Serv: “Hopeful fans pasting pictures of two men of similar height and build wearing the same pieces of stylish clothing are not evidence that they are “sharing” it; provocative statements by anonymous posters in a forum that bears strong similarities to an open sewer are much better evidence of the anonymous posters’ needs and desires than evidence of something that is actually happening.” AMEN.

        • Remember when someone put RA’s face on Hugh Jackson’s body and there were people who thought it was real? It was like “OMG they’re wearing the same clothes!!! We thought Hugh Jackson was married!” Duh…

          • I didn’t see that Hugh Jackman/Richard Armitage shop. And then people thought it meant they were sharing clothes? That’s hysterical! 😀
            (And nuts.)

          • *smacks head with heel of hand* I can’t believe how many people fall for those photo manips!! They also stuck RA’s head on a kilted Gerard Butler, so are they sharing kilts now?! People, don’t be naïve and accept everything at face value. Makes me think of the commercial with the girl who says such-and-such has to be true because “it’s on the internet.” And then she meets up with her “French model,” who is anything but. And she met him on–the internet!? LOL

            • I saw some photo manips that were trying to put Pace and Armitage on the Red Carpet together, only they had to use Richard in the suit he wore at the London Hobbit premiere to put him together with Lee in the suit he wore in New York premiere.
              The other one was something showing an event for the original Strikeback about 3-4 years ago, and they cut out Andrew Lincoln(?) and replace him with Lee Pace.

              I remember the Butler photo manip. It was pretty good (and by that I mean that for a minute I thought it was actually Richard Armitage in a kilt).

      • Well said, Serv. I had one accidental foray into Datalounge in my early days of exploring the blogs and forums for information on RA…never made that mistake again. 😦

          • Sanity still intact, I couldn’t get out fast enough once I realised the manner of site I was on, but it certainly left me with a nasty taste in my mouth.

            • That’s why I opt not to go to certain sites. If I feel like I really need to take a shower afterwards so the creepy-crawly sensation will subside–it’s best I just stay away. Fandom should be fun and uplifting and a generally positive thing.

              • My hungry search for anything I could find on Richard certainly led me down some unpleasant rabbit holes. I will be forever grateful I found the “fun and uplifting” fandom. 🙂

          • In my early days in LOTR fandom, we used to deliberately go there to see the trainwreck(s). (I was younger and mentally tougher 10 years ago. Couldn’t do it now.)
            Eventually we found out that about 7 people posting anonymously as different characters (‘insiders’, even the actors in the movie) were keeping the insanity going. I don’t suppose much has changed.

    • As Servetus said, the gossip board where these rumours flourish is an open sewer and what is floating around there is the same stuff that you find in a real life sewer, only in virtual form.

      I come from a very different background from some of the people commenting here, and have had many gay or bisexual friends, and like many out performers, so my issues with the sort of nonsense going around doesn’t have anything to do with my own reluctance to address people’s life choices.

      My problem is with something more insidious.

      The kind of imaginative reconstruction of reality represented by the photoshopped images and anonymous commentary isn’t a new thing in fandom, and it’s not new to me (unfortunately :-/ ). It grows out of the desires and fantasies of people who read (and post) too much at anonymous gossip forums and believe that there is no dividing line between (fan)fiction and reality.
      For some reason I don’t understand these people need to take the relatively harmless activity of shipping two characters in movies or television, and transfer it to the actors who play them, and then convince themselves that it is real. The unfortunate fallout is that sometimes those they do convince of the reality of their fiction become angry, both at those who don’t believe what they do, and at the actors about whom they fantasize. Witness the nasty comments at the Just Jared photos of Richard at the BAFTA tea.
      And there is worse, much worse, at the Sewer. Some of those people seem to be actually angry with Lee Pace, and now Richard for not validating their beliefs about the two actors’ sexuality. They make stuff up about what they think is going on in the heads of the people involved and then cast blame on them for not behaving in the way that they think that they should have behaved! It’s kind of scary.

      • And FTR, I’ve never known any celebrity to come out by wearing jeans with knee pads, denim shirts, or suits that are the same colour but different cut to someone in the same movie, band or tv seroes/

        • I sometimes feel as if certain people think that no one deserves privacy anymore if they are in the spotlight to any degree. And admittedly some in the public eye act as if they are willing to serve up their entire lives on a platter *cough* (Kardashians, anyone??) I, however, beg to disagree.

          • I agree.
            There’s a sense of entitlement that develops. I’ve probably ranted about it on someone else’s blog, but I feel that this sense of entitlement is not only to know everything but then decide which bits of ‘everything’ are acceptable and which must be changed.

            • “Yes, we want to know everything there is to know, and if what we learn doesn’t agree with the reality we’ve crafted in our heads, hey, let’s just tweak it!!”

              • I read the other day that Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a girlfriend who is not in the business. She wants to remain out of the picture because she doesn’t think she can take the scrutiny. How sad is that that people can’t take their loved ones out in public without bringing all this into their lives? I couldn’t do it! I know it’s hard on RA as well. He is so reserved. That constant intrusion into his personal life is bizarre.

              • I often feel very sorry for him because of this–that his chosen profession (at which he is so amazing) has landed him in the super-spotlight of the world.

              • Unlike some “celebrities” (I think of people like the K family as falling into this category, as they don’t have legitimate talents in acting, music, etc.) who seem to crave and are absolutely addicted to being in the spotlight, I think Richard’s ambition is to be the best he can be at his chosen profession. And he knows to have the opportunities open to him for some of the best roles means doing publicity, photo shoots, interviews and so forth. He is definitely a team player and truly seems to enjoy talking about his characters and what is involved in preparing for his roles. We’ve also seen him become increasingly more comfortable in these types of scenarios. He’s lost much of that early nervousness we can see in some of those old interviews.

                But that doesn’t mean he isn’t still essentially a shy, retiring sort of guy.

                What a shame some people can’t understand there are lines that should be drawn and EVERYONE deserves to have some semblance of a private life!

          • Even if it does exist (which I don’t believe for a moment), it’s their business. Some people (the Kardashians are a great example) don’t care if the entire world knows everything they do or say, but Richard is very private, as we know–and he ‘s entitled to that and deserves our respect for it.

            • And Lee is also a private kind of guy, rather shy, humble, dedicated to his craft—I really like and admire him, too, and it’s annoying that two of the nicest guys in the business are being subjected to all this. 😦 Some people need to find something better to do with their lives.

              • It was the same with the original LOTR ships that ended up on Datalounge. Most of the actors they targeted were very private people. (Hell, Billy Boyd has chosen staying in Scotland with his family over trying to make a hollywood-type career). However, I have a theory that this is one of the reasons (apart from being good looking) that this is one of the reasons they were easy to target. There’s almost no photos of Viggo or Elijah with their girlfriends or partners. Even Dom Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly never went public with their relationship.

  9. And now to the point of this post: I’m very sorry to hear about your FMS, Fedoralady. It’s a painful and debilitating condition.
    However, I worry about your wish to nap. Have you had your blood sugar tested? My mom kept wanting to nap and it turned out that she had diabetes.
    She now takes medication and i feeling much more alert and energetic, and less depressed. She’s had to give up some things that she loved (such as tablespoons of sugar in her tea, and eating whole boxes of fudge in a day) but I think the tread off is worth it. (I hope you don’t mind my saying this, and I apologize if I’m stepping over the line.)

  10. One of the things I’ve found is doctors tend to dismiss things because they blame it on fibromyalgia. I went two years with thyroid disease and my doctor didn’t think to run the test. I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. It’s difficult to ask for tests or even go to the dr if you don’t have insurance. Don’t get me started! There are several diseases that mirror the fatigue of CFS and FMS. I hope you get some relief soon!

      • Yeah, unfortunately it is a reality here, no insurance means it is very hard to get medical tests and even make a normal doctor’s visit because the expense is too high. (And while I am not saying Obamacare is the answer to all our needs, anyone who doesn’t think our healthcare system should be overhauled here in the US should keep in mind over 60 percent of bankruptcies are a direct result of medical bills, and a good percentage of those people HAD medical insurance, too!) I am concerned about the numbness in the toes and there is diabetes in my family (grandfather)—as someone said it’s so hard to know at times whether it’s your FMS/CFS causing the problems or another medical issue altogether. And without tests, you don’t know . . . I feel as if I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

    • Mel and Cill, I’m glad you’ve chimed in here. I worry so much about my friend. It took 14 years for me to be definitively diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. (MS). Most of my doctors said “Don’t know what it is, but you’ll be better in a couple of weeks.” Now I walk with a cane and take heavy meds to get around. I’m worried about the toes, here. We need to convince ANGIEEEEE (are you listening) to go fill out here paperwork for disability so she can get some major TESTINGGGGGGGG!!!

      You know I love you sweetie, and don’t want you to go through what I did. huggies..xoxoxox

      • I am calling a lawyer I know who specializes in such cases tomorrow, guys. From the advice I’ve gotten, I might as well go ahead and get a lawyer who knows what she is doing.

      • Amen, ladies! Being someone who was fortunate to have both holistic healers who knew and acknowledged the existence of FMS and a doctor who not only acknowledged, but had studied it and was able to give me any number of references to investigate as well as as much care and advice as was available at that time, it is so important, Angie. If nothing else than just for you to feel better, which will make a huge difference in your life.

  11. I agree! While FMS is different for everyone, I’m thinking the toe issue doesn’t sound like something I’ve ever heard of before. Osteoarthritis is tricky too. At any rate, the first step is to get the ball rolling on the disability/medicaid issue. There is much to be said for quality of life.

    • I recently saw where FMS patients are ten times more likely to commit suicide than the general population. While that saddens me, I can’t say it shocks me. After a while, the pain and fatigue can wear and eat away at you and it’s hard NOT to get depressed. It’s not a route I would take, but I can understand it. The toes continuing to stay numb-I stumped them the other day and didn’t really feel anything, either–is troubling me. Due to the damage to my knee in a car accident years ago and subsequent surgery in 94, I was told I would inevitably get OA there and I have and now the other knee is acting up.

  12. Angie (((HUGS))) to you. You have to decide what is right for you. I do hope you do go for the disability. Take care and I will be thinking and praying for you.

    • Oh, thank you, sweetheart. I have come to the conclusion it’s really about the only avenue for me to take. I need health care, some source of regular income so I won’t feel like such a burden on Benny. I am trying to hawk some more things in the FB Buy Sell and Trade groups. Have some other possible ideas in my head.

  13. I would recommend taking the disability route as it really does seem to apply to you…keep at it until you get it. Be kind to yourself always and only do what feels like fun to you, if it becomes a burden or stressful, it is time to step away and come back when you feel more refreshed…there will always be ups and downs, but it is up to you in how you deal with it…I have learned this from my own battle with bipolar disorder…try to remain positive, even through the negatives, and eventually you will end up on the positive side of things, even if it may take some time. Maintain a great support system around you and use them in your time of need. I do love your chutz-pah girl, so don’t stay a stranger for long and remember, what you may think as repetitive to some, will always be new to others, as RA is getting newer and newer fans everyday.

    Hugs and prayers to you Angie from a fan of yourself and not just Richard, even though he brought us into the same realm.

    Fernanda 🙂

  14. Dear Angie, I wish there was something I could say or do to fix things for you. Since we “met” two years ago over at Serv’s, I came to admire you tremendously for your courage and your positivity in the face of your health issues. Don’t think for a second that you have failed. You have achieved so much, and you have brought me and many others a lot of happiness and laughs, as well as contemplative moments here at TAE. Do whatever you need to do to get through the next few months, one day at a time. I’m adding my voice to the others encouraging you to apply for the disability scheme. As a non-US resident, I don’t know anything about it, but from what I understand reading the comments of others here, yours’ is the very kind of situation it exists to help.
    Sending you big (((((hugs)))))). You are in my thoughts, sweetie. xx

    • Thanks, Mezz. Just trying to cope at times tends to overwhelm me. Benny mentioned tonight maybe putting up a dry erase board in here to help me with some of my fibro fog issues–to help keep me on track. I sometimes almost feel as if I have some form of adult ADHD (maybe without the hyperactivity). It’s hard at times to stay on task and maybe this would help me with the cognitive part of it. I am looking forward to going out for a movie and a meal with Benny tomorrow–we don’t have many “dates” so hoping I feel well enough to enjoy it. The humidity and dew point is climbing again and I’ve had to turn on the A/C to keep it comfortable even though temps are mild. Looks like TS Jane is going to bring rain and winds for a stormy Sunday, so my weather body will be reacting.

  15. Can I just leave a quick hug for you, Angie. A most interesting post, and a very interesting comment section, for various reasons. I hope you’ll be feeling better soon.

  16. Please do what’s best for you and your health and don’t worry about what anybody else thinks!!! You are in my thoughts. Sending you lots of gentle virtual hugs!

    • Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your kind words of encouragement and support. I know there will be people who question me seeking disability but then there are ALWAYS those people, and none of them have experienced exactly what I have gone through. If nothing else, dealing with FMS all these years has taught me one thing–be very, very careful when you feel yourself falling into judgment of others and the decisions they make.

  17. DING! Ding! DING! You just answered you…Where is the EXCITING? promo??? NOT THERE…Hasn’t been sent out yet! SO-O-O-O …Use this time …For YOU! We are not interested in these FLAT!, TOO EARLY Not Even Teasers…..WE are concerned about…YOU! Now….take the time, for you…calmly set a plan in motion for ..U!!! No excuses! WE know where to find you, check in to see how you are doing , what can WE do to assist you, and …just leave a hug and check back…!!! YOU have taught us WELL, and let us find you, not you to us…You know the weekly( FRI?) is one of your best ..so for 3-4 WEEKS, we can look for those ; then after your *TOES-UP TIME!* we can see what surprise, news, pics, etc. you have sent to continue back in the saddle….!!! We love You, excited , not a non-exciting trailer,,,,( it was too “flat”, and no life..what were THEY thinking..!!!!) Take care of YOU, and re-bubble your Bubbly Self! All OUR Love, MoMbeth XOXOXO!,,(aka Marybeth H.)

    • Thanks, Marybeth. 😀

      Well, if all goes well, Benny and I are going to see “Gravity” tomorrow (he was interested in seeing it anyway) and we will take in the new trailer. I still haven’t watched itonline, so maybe it will impress me seeing it on the big screen. Or maybe not–I will share my thoughts later this weekend on it. 😉

      I am sorry I didn’t give you all a Guyday Friday post for today, but it was that kind of a day.I just seem to crave sleep interspersed with playtime with Scarlett and the rest of the pets. I really have to get my rear in gear in the days to come and get caught up with PRP stuff, both the paying gigs and the footage we’ve shot for a friend’s special occasion. After all, we’ve got the bar mitzvah coming up next weekend! 😀

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