The answer to the question I pose in my title is “yes,” because, like it or not, I am fighting a daily battle with FMS/CFS coupled with osteoarthritis and possibly some other medical issues. I haven’t had any feeling to speak of in two toes on my left foot for a few days now. Who knows why . . .
But what’s been niggling at me this week, more than my numb tootsies, is the fact I don’t feel excited. I mean, about all the new RA stuff. I didn’t feel that visceral punch from looking at the “Woof” and “Meow” pics. I haven’t yet watched the new DoS trailer (I know, I know, heresy for an RA blogger) or the video with RA. I’ve been busy–mentally and physically–and I face a lot over the next few months, work-wise, interest-wise, life-wise.
In spite of my excess adipose tissue, I look pretty much OK. Looks, of course, can be deceiving. I had to take a long nap this afternoon . . . I’ve reached the point where I really do miss those naps if I don’t get them. I’d rather take a nap than look at RA, how sad is that?! But that’s the way things are right now.
I’ve come to a crossroads in my life and I have to make some decisions and they aren’t easy for me to make. I wonder what people will think of me, as if I should care. I feel like a bit of a failure, and yet I know I didn’t ask for the condition that is pushing me into this corner. I can accept things intellectually, but on an emotional plane I am struggling.
I am sure this current mood will change. At least, I hope it will. Maybe if the calls I make over the next couple of days help me along on my personal journey . . . fingers crossed.
There are things I do look forward to. Saturday night we have to meet with my friend, the delightful English/Drama teacher and director Naomi to discuss the bar mitzvah we are covering for her son next weekend in Tuscaloosa (this will be a first for us in several ways!) . Hoping to go and see “Gravity” at the theater beforehand this weekend and catch the DoS trailer on the big screen. Big screen RA as the majestic Thorin will surely make a difference.
In the meantime, I have a lot of PRP video editing to do, among other things. I look at the weeks to come. There’s continued rehearsals for “Dying for a Drink,” our first Arts Council production to attend in just over a week, a highly-anticipated weekend away in Tuscaloosa and a new cultural experience next weekend, humane society events to publicize, possibly more pix to take for rescues, the opening of the town’s art gallery later this month. My plate is full.
I just hope and pray I have what it takes to keep up with it all and enjoy it, because I don’t want to be the person outside looking in anymore, feeling disconnected from my own community.
I just have to keep reminding myself of this.