Tag Archives: depression

OT: Loss, too much of it.

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If you read the link to my other blog, you know we lost Reo. Luckie was missing and Benny later found his body, too. We both loved them so much. They were going to be the two dogs we kept. I can only hope and pray my little ones are now playing together, safe and sound, across that Rainbow Bridge. I am sick at heart and sad and worried for my remaining puppies, fearful they will suffer the same fate of being struck by a car. I am sure Reo and Luckie were trying to follow the big dogs and weren’t able to move out of the way in time. They were still so young . . .

PicMonkey CollageRIP

We have our Humane Society meeting later today, but honestly, I can’t bring myself to plan to attend. I know I will burst into tears and I just can’t stand the thought of boo-hooing in front of everyone and also trying to drive when I am so emotionally upset. I sent in my updates to the president and some of the members and explained my situation. I hope they understand.

The grey old clouds are moving in again to my psyche and I feel the tug of depression coupled with the overwhelming anxieties.  I also think of the many souls lost in the attacks on September 11, all those who lost friends and loved ones on that dreadful day, and I grieve for them, too. A couple of puppies may not mean like much in the face of all that, but for us, on this night, it is a crushing blow.

Loss, too much of it.

Update: The remaining pups have gone to Kandys’ rescue operation. They cried the entire way there and wanted to follow us after being put in the kennel, but at least they had their shots, worming and are together and safe. Hopefully they will go to good homes, probably in sunny Florida where they will likely live the life of Riley. And yes, I will miss them, I already do.

Word of advice: if someone shares and they are clearly grieving over a very recent loss that was the result of a tragic accident, please, people,  don’t jump in and start telling them how they SHOULD have done things and how a responsible pet owner would behave. Hindsight is clearly 20/20 and your words, however much well-intended, can only twist the knife into the very deep and real wound with which they are already dealing. It’s GREAT to be concerned about animal welfare; but showing a little compassion for your fellow humans goes a long way, too. Don’t kick people when they are down. Subject closed and comments now closed. Thank you to all who did share “God with skin on” even if it was of the virtual variety.

 

And I guess that’s way they call it the blues

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I try to keep laughing.  I really do. But sometimes it’s hard. I have always had a melancholy streak in my nature, as did my late father.

Lately, it’s been worse. Sadness seems to overwhelm me at times. Is is sadness or anxiety? I am not quite sure. Maybe a bit of both.

I cry so easily lately, it doesn’t take much.  Last night I kept crying in spite of my best efforts to contain it. The tears just kept spilling out, perplexing my poor husband and giving me a throbbing headache and stuffy nose.

I can’t stop fiddling with my hair. I’ve almost stopped biting my nails, so they actually look decent.

But the hair, longer now than it has been in years. is constantly being wound around my fingers. 

 I am always tired. Lack of refreshing sleep is a common symptom of FMS. It’s also a common symptom of depression.  I no longer really know where the FMS sends and possible depression begins. Chronic pain and fatigue can bring on depression. And I’ve been dealing with the pain and all that accompanies it for, what, 17 or 18 years now?

The FMS has altered my brain chemistry, Not enough serotonin. And so the perception of pain intensifies. I take antidepressants to help boost the serotonin levels, but they seem to work better at some times than others. I have a low pain threshold, but high pain tolerance. Sometimes, it still overwhelms me. I am tired of being in pain, tired of being tired.  Just–tired.  My brain is constantly spinning but am I getting anywhere?

I am anxious about my future. No job, no health insurance. A novel I am struggling to complete. Questioning my abilities, my capabilities.

Questioning.

 

(courtesy of the hindu.com)