Tag Archives: healthy relationships

Mr. Grey is not MY dream man. Here’s why.


I wasn’t going to post again about the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. However, judging by the more than 13,000 people in the past few days alone who read my previous reviews coupled with the obvious fact the 50 SoG mania isn’t going away nearly as quickly as I might have wished, well–here I go again.  I feel the need to stand up for the good guys of this world–guys like my husband and my fav actor–who exemplify what being a man really should be about.  If you love 50 SoG, you probably don’t want to read any further . . . you’re not gonna like it.

When one considers the runaway success of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy and millions of women’s obsession with its kinky billionaire “hero,” Christian Grey, I feel like something of a rebel for stating I am just not into Mr. Grey, his good looks and obscene wealth notwithstanding. I mean, what’s wrong with me? I’m a respectable middle-aged woman who leads a quiet life. I am supposed to be panting for this stuff!!

But no.

I am attracted to mature, well-adjusted, intelligent males. To men who are strong enough to display a tender and nurturing side whilst showing a quiet self-confidence to the world. To classy gentlemen who don’t constantly feel they have to prove their manliness. To men who don’t feel the need to beat the hell out of innocent young women with a belt. I’m just funny that way, I guess.

I married a man like that, the love of my life. I crush on another one, the talented actor and, I believe, thoroughly top-drawer human being to which this site is primarily dedicated.

My kinda guy.

And then there’s Mr. Grey.

Let me count just a few of the ways why Mr. Grey is NOT my dream man . . .

Give me a proper, mature grown-up, not a bratty, mercurial, hormonally-maddened teenager in a man’s body. I don’t care how hot you’re supposed to look with the top button of your jeans undone.  I don’t want a boy.

I’m not a spring chicken anymore, and even when I was, being involved with someone who would have me on a perpetual emotional roller coaster never appealed.  I’m not a drama queen, and I don’t wish to be involved with a drama king.

Nowadays, in my middling years, I’m a person dealing with a chronic health issue, one exacerbated by stress. That same health issue, FMS, also causes me a considerable amount of pain. I’m highly appreciative of peace and harmony and reasonable freedom from pain whenever possible.

Life with someone like you, Mr. Grey, would hardly offer that.

Space. Give me space.

I grew up the youngest by several years in my family, so I am a bit like an only child in certain ways. I like having some time to myself.  My hubby—coincidentally, also a youngest child by several years– and I love spending time together. There truly is no one else with whom I would rather share my life.  But–we also respect the fact that we each need our private time.

The idea of someone insisting on knowing everything I do and everywhere I go 24/7, someone who attempts to orchestrate my very life for me is not romantic; it’s– stifling. It’s creepy.

“Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you” was not meant to be a love song. Just ask Sting. It’s about an obsessive stalker.

A man can adore you without wanting to own you. Just ask Mr. Thornton or Harry Kennedy.

You can’t buy everything you want and need in life. Buy your wife the company she works for, buy the services of your submissives, buy—love and respect and trust. You have to earn those things, Mr. Grey. I know you had a lousy time of it as a kid, and I am truly sorry.

I don’t wish abuse—physical, mental, emotional, sexual—on anyone.

But learn from the horrors of past; others have. Treat fellow human beings as fellow human beings, not mergers and acquisitions and pieces of meat to feed your particular physical appetites. Money really isn’t everything.

Ultimately, for me, Mr. Grey, you’re far more sad  and creepy than deliciously sexy. And you have serious issues that giving an inexperienced girl great orgasms with a handcuffs and a ball gag or two  isn’t going to fix for either of you.  I don’t buy your sugar-coated “happily ever after.”  I hope the women who devour these books  do realize you’re only a pale imitation of what a real man is supposed to, and indeed, can be.

Oh, and by the way: nice, well-adjusted guys can also have a naughty side and enjoy some steam and spice. I speak from experience . . . just sayin.’

OT: You give BDSM a bad name, Ms. James


As I have expressed before, I thought the Trilogy that Dare Not Speak Its Name was far adrift from certain facts and played fast and loose with  aspects of the human psyche. And it seems I was right.  I share with you exhibits A & B, comments posted by people who actually know something about BDSM relationships:

THANK YOU FOR THIS POST! I started reading the first book, and I just got pissed off. James is a terrible writer, in my opinion. Ana sounds like a nutcase with her whole self conscious and inner goddess bs, and don’t get me started on Christian. Hearing how the ending of the trilogy goes pisses me right the hell off! Happily ever after?! Are you freaking kidding me?! My God this is definitely fanfiction to the max. I’ve been in a BDSM relationship before, and it’s portrayed like we are all abused nutjobs like him, which is definitely not the case. Not to mention, their relationship is just too damned unstable. She never had a man before and he just totally seduced the hell out of the weak-minded little twat. To make a long story short, words can’t describe how much I hate these books and I adore you for the spoilers. Now I can not throw away my money and sell the first book for like a penny on Amazon…Nah, I’m throwing it away. ( comment posted by Elle_D)

I really enjoyed your review because I began reading 50 Shades but found I could not get through it because it made me too angry.  So thank you for the spoilers!  I feel compelled to comment here because I am in the BDSM lifestyle.  My relationship is not what Christian demands of Anna (24/7 slavery), but I am a submissive.  Why this book upsets me so much is because everyone who reads it is going to think this is what BDSM is.  It is most certainly not.  You do not have to be emotionally scarred and have major baggage to be into BDSM.  I am not at all pleased that that is the explanation for why Christian is the way that he is.  You can be completely “normal” and enjoy kink.  I also hate that he completely takes advantage of Anna’s naivete and basically coerces her into agreeing to be his submissive by using sex as a “weapon.” (She even describes it that way!).  This is not a story about a BDSM relationship; it is a story about an emotionally abusive relationship.  I am trying to get further than halfway through the first book in order to give it more of a fair trial, but I just don’t know if I can. (comment by Hutch)


I liked this one, too. Reminded me I haven’t lost my reporter cred.

I would just like to say that your analysis has been one of the most intelligent pieces I have read concerning 50 Shades of Grey, and I greatly appreciate your insight and honesty.  I despise being told to read something just because everyone else is, and you have made it possible for me to make an informed decision.  So many other reviews have NOT revealed the truth about this trilogy, and I commend you for taking a stand. (comment by Shay)

Frankly, I have been truly appalled at the thousands and thousands of hits on my posts related to these books. How did this dreck manage to become this huge international success? Frankly it’s a slap in the face to the many talented writers out there who struggle to get their stuff published.  Stuff that doesn’t send out a potentially dangerous message.

BDSM is not a lifestyle choice I would make; however, I don’t sit in judgment of those emotionally mature and stable adults who choose to participate. To each his or her own.

But promoting manipulative and emotionally abusive relationships between immature people and sugar-coating them with a “kinky love conquers all” message just doesn’t cut it with me.    You want eroticsm, sexy encounters, steamy romance? There’s a lot of better written stuff out there, trust me.

Beyond the fact these are poorly written and edited books featuring unbelievable characters in unhealthy relationships, they’ve managed to give BDSM and those who participate a bad name.  Quite an accomplishment, Ms. James.